Two weeks tomorrow, I have been convalescing in bed after undergoing a second surgery since the first one six months ago was unsuccessful. So, as you can imagine I have had an exuberant amount of time on my hands. One thing I had not counted on was a conviction of the heart. My fear of failure.
From my bedroom, I have a few irons in the fire which I am trying to manage. However, last night the searing heat became too intense for me to handle. To my horror, Andy had front row seats to my extremely, disturbing performance that came with an intermission and second act. I was utterly humiliated and full of remorse. I had failed not once but twice in a matter of minutes.
This morning as I read in, Ruth Chou Simons’ book, ‘Beholding and Becoming’, her words became a healing balm to my penitent heart. “Failure and shortcomings remind us that we are not saviors of our own lives. They keep us tethered to the humbling reality that in order to receive the grace of God, we must begin by believing we are in desperate need of it.”
Looking back, I never once invited the Holy Spirit into the details I had become so enthralled in. He had birthed these plans in my heart two years ago, why on earth would I not want the Conductor to orchestrate them as well? All that I am, my successes and failures, tell a story of His Grace, one which I am certain has many more pages to be filled with many more humbling lessons to learn.
